Spiritual leaders are calling this “an unprecedented spiritual awakening.” Dylan Breeze, 29, has proclaimed himself the reincarnation of Buddha following a rigorous 10-minute meditation session that took place on the yoga mat his ex-girlfriend forgot in his apartment. The groundbreaking enlightenment took place at precisely 9:17 a.m. Monday morning, according to Breeze’s Instagram feed.
Breeze, who until recently held the distinguished position of “part-time dog walker and freelance lifestyle coach,” reportedly stumbled across the idea of meditation during a late-night Instagram scroll. After reading an influencer’s post about inner peace, he felt inspired to “dive into the mystical realm of self-discovery,” allegedly downloading a free meditation app for beginners to “get the basics down” before “going full monk.”
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The Beginning
Sources confirm Breeze followed the app’s introductory guided meditation while perched atop his girlfriend’s ethically-sourced, artisan-crafted yoga mat. Neighbors report hearing what sounded like seven to eight deep, unsteady breaths, a loud sigh and then absolute silence as Breeze entered a state of “heightened awareness,” as Breeze recalls it.
“Mate, I mean, it was, like, completely cosmic,” Breeze told reporters gathered outside his studio apartment. “All of a sudden, I could feel every atom in the universe. I was everywhere and nowhere. I was basically levitating. I mean, like, spiritually, you know? I was still on the floor. It’s hard to explain, really; you wouldn’t understand unless you’ve meditated as deeply as I have.”
Friends and family have reportedly been supportive yet slightly perplexed by Breeze’s sudden awakening. His roommate, “Skittle” Jones, 31, said that Dylan’s journey to inner peace has been “wildly transformative” in the mere 48 hours since he achieved it. “He used to spend his mornings half-conscious, eating cold pizza in his boxers,” said Jones, “but now he starts the day with a cleansing ritual of matcha tea and sage smoke. He keeps calling me ‘Grasshopper’ and whispering stuff about the illusion of time. It’s pretty annoying.”
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Not one to let his newfound wisdom go unshared, Breeze has taken to Instagram to document every detail of his transformation, as any self-respecting, modern-day monk-in-the-making would. His initial post – featuring a close-up of his closed eyes and captioned “Awakened. Namaste, peasants” – has garnered over 37 likes, nearly all from extended family and fellow freelance artisans. A secondary post offered a more in-depth look into his journey, outlining plans for an online workshop series on “integrated Zen” and “consciousness hacks for the spiritually gifted.”
“People don’t get it,” he said, adjusting his newly-acquired Amazon-sourced mala beads while awkwardly shifting in the lotus position on his futon. “Meditation isn’t just, like, breathing and stuff. It’s about transcending the ordinary, opening your third eye and totally losing yourself – but, you know, not forever. Can’t do it too long; it’s mentally exhausting and can get pretty boring. Also I’ve got other things to do, like curating my crystal collection.”
Divisions Arise
Breeze’s family is reportedly divided on how to handle his sudden transformation. His mother, Kathy, is proud yet confused by her son’s rapid enlightenment. “I don’t fully understand it,” she admitted, “but if Dylan can somehow make money telling people to sit still and breathe deeply, that’s more than I ever thought he’d accomplish. God knows he didn’t grow up to be an astronaut, he was never the sharpest tool in the shed.”
Meanwhile, Breeze’s ex-girlfriend, Kaylee Martin, is less impressed. “He texted me out of nowhere, something like, ‘I forgive you for not being spiritually mature enough to accept my aura,’” she recounted. “I had no idea what he was talking about. The last time we spoke, he was telling me about his startup idea for a kombucha flavor subscription box.”
Spiritual communities are cautiously optimistic, though skeptics remain vocal. Reverend Harmony Moonlight, founder of the Center for Real Inner Peace, commended Breeze’s rapid ascent to Buddha status. “Most people take decades, even lifetimes, to even brush the edge of enlightenment,” said Moonlight. “This man did it in less time than it takes for a kettle to boil. He’s inspiring us all to rethink our own practices – perhaps we’re just overcomplicating things?”
A spokesman for the Dalai Lama declined to comment, though sources close to the Tibetan spiritual leader privately expressed surprise at Breeze’s swift achievement, noting that it usually takes a much longer time of dedicated practice to reach such a state of cosmic unity. Rumor has it that the entire Dalai Lama’s entourage is “calling bullshit.”
Spreading the Word
Undeterred, Breeze has since quit his day job to devote himself full-time to “spreading the divine wisdom he’s been gifted with.” When asked about his future plans, he mentioned aspirations of founding a “mindfulness empire” offering $300-per-hour coaching on “zen hacks for everyday living” and “the power of 10-minute transcendence.”
“This isn’t just about me,” Thompson said with a solemn nod. “It’s about raising the collective consciousness of all humankind. We’ve got to align our energies, man, break down the walls between our individual souls. I mean, if more people just sat down, took a breath and thought about the oneness of existence, we’d be in a better place. It’s the responsibility of someone enlightened – someone like me – to lead humanity forward.”
For now, Breeze’s enlightened routine includes dawn yoga, four to six selfies per day captioned with “ancient proverbs” he’s coined himself and a strict vegan diet consisting exclusively of smoothies he claims are “infused with cosmic vibrations” and the occasional daily burger that he doordashes. He has expressed openness to expanding his teachings to others but cautioned that “not everyone’s ready” for the kind of radical awakening he experienced.
“If people aren’t willing to let go of their ego and pay $300 an hour for guidance, that’s their problem, not mine,” Breeze concluded. “I’m here to help but I can’t hold everyone’s hand through this. They’ll have to join me on my level eventually. You see, enlightenment isn’t free – but the journey is priceless.”
Sources say Breeze’s journey has inspired at least two of his high school friends to download meditation apps, while his aunt has invited him for Christmas to “knock some sense back into his stupid head.”
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