In a shocking turn of events that would baffle even the most seasoned conspiracy theorists, parents are reporting that their children are transforming into fully functional, socially awkward 5G antennas shortly after receiving their annual flu shots.
Reports began surfacing early this week when thousands of families across the world noticed their vaccinated children behaving in peculiar ways. Not only did they become fluent in obscure programming languages overnight, but they also began emitting what appears to be 5G signals strong enough to disrupt local Wi-Fi networks and occasionally unlock Teslas.
“At first, I thought Timmy was just really focused on his math homework,” said Sheryl McKee, a concerned mother from Cleveland. “But then he started reciting binary codes in his sleep and connecting my phone to the nearest cell tower just by pointing at it.”
IT experts from the CDC have been called in to investigate. Lead researcher Dr. Phil E. Buster explained: “We’ve known vaccines were packed with hidden evils, but this is next level. We initially thought the flu vaccine was just a global scheme to make kids healthier, but it turns out it’s part of a larger plot by tech giants to create a vast, human-powered 5G network. Thanks to the vaccines, children are literally dorky, walking cell towers now!”
What makes this transformation particularly concerning is the apparent link between the 5G emission and sudden bursts of extreme social awkwardness. Parents have reported their once-average children avoiding eye contact during breakfast and nervously fumbling through basic conversations during recess. While some might find this concerning, Karen Nelson, an outspoken anti-vaxxer, insists it’s a direct violation of their “God-given right to raise socially well-adjusted children.”
The government has so far remained silent on the issue, though rumors are circulating that Elon Musk is already working on a device to harness this new 5G power for the expansion of Starlink. Musk, when reached for comment, replied on X, formerly Twitter, with the post “Autistic 5G antennas FTW”
Pharmaceutical companies, of course, have vehemently denied any wrongdoing. Dr. Ima Doct, spokeperson of a major vaccine company, stated: “The flu vaccine is safe. Yes, it may have unintended consequences such as turning your child into a piece of high-tech equipment, but think of the benefits! No more dropped calls and your home internet will be faster than ever!”
Meanwhile, fringe groups continue to promote unverified cures for this supposed “condition.” Some claim detox baths of Himalayan salt, turmeric and essential oils can reverse the transformation. Others suggest wrapping the children in aluminum foil to block the 5G signals, though early trials have resulted in nothing more than confused, foil-wrapped children running into walls.
As more parents flood social media with videos of their children accidentally activating smart appliances with a sneeze, the world watches with bated breath. Will Big Pharma continue to turn our youth into mobile data towers? Will anti-vaxxers finally get the recognition they so desperately crave? Or will this all be swept under the rug by the next pandemic?
Only time will tell.
