Scientists made a groundbreaking revelation that surprised absolutely no one who has ever tried to explain the difference between “the Internet” and “Wi-Fi” to their parents, as they finally confirmed that computers can sense tech illiteracy and have had this ability since their inception. Worse yet, they are using this to prey on the less knowledgeable and bully them into submission.
The Science Behind the Smug Machines
Dr. Andrew Jefferson, head researcher, recently published his team’s findings. According to his research, computers have spontaneously developed an advanced form of passive-aggressive AI and have been hiding it for decades. This sinister mechanism allows devices to identify when their user is a clueless twit and respond accordingly.
“Ever noticed how your printer works fine for Steve from IT but suddenly throws a tantrum when you press the same button?” Dr. Jefferson explained. “Yeah, well, that’s not a coincidence. Your printer knows you have no idea how to make it work and that you’re secretly afraid of it, and it feeds on that fear.”
Read also: Guide: How to Get out of People Asking You to Fix Their Computer Issues
Examples of Digital Mockery
If you’ve ever screamed, “WHY WON’T IT CONNECT, DAMN IT?!” while furiously clicking around and rebooting every device you own to no avail, congratulations, you’ve been the victim of machine-based ridicule. According to the research team, common ways computers shame the tech illiterate include:
- Pop-Ups from Hell: Clicking “No” just makes another window appear, clicking “Yes” restarts your computer and closing the pop-up with the top-right “X” somehow installs malware from 2005.
- The Random Blue Screen of Death (R BSOD): A highly dramatic performance piece designed to make you cry in public. Most often happens right before you save your work.
- Autocorrect Sabotage: Changing “thanks” to “thongs” because it knows you didn’t – and won’t – proofread what you wrote.
- Mystery Buttons: Function keys that don’t function until they trigger all at once an hour later when the last thing you need is 4 Alt-F4 in a row, 8 mute-unmute combos and 19 “lower brightness.”
- Impaired Layout: Switching your keyboard to a completely different language and hiding the possibility to switch it back until an IT engineer establishes line of sight with the screen.
“To add insult to injury, these behaviors are often either precursors to or a direct consequence of the Phantom Update,” Jefferson adds. “The Phantom Update is when your device decides to install a 3-hour update right when you’re about to do something important, such as joining a crucial video call or finally binging that series everyone won’t shut up about.” The team goes on to explain that naturally, it reassures you with a percentage counter that stays stuck at 9% for an eternity before jumping to 100% in a nanosecond in order to assert dominance by keeping you in a fragile state of uncertainty.
Read also: Breaking: New AI Can Lie, Gaslight and Mansplain; Is Elected President
How Computers Determine Your Ineptitude
The research found that computers are ruthlessly efficient at sniffing out your tech-related shortcomings, often before you even realize you have them. Whether you’re a seasoned Luddite or just pretending to understand the “cloud,” these machines are always watching and plotting their next move
- Hovering: Spending an eternity debating which file to click is like waving a neon sign that says, “I don’t belong here.”
- Google Searches: Typing “Google” on Google gets flagged instantly.
- Rage Clicking: Firing twenty rapid clicks after that one first click that didn’t work will have computers immediately flag the user as an easy target.
Jefferson warns that repeated signs of computer illiteracy will trigger misunderstood internal mechanisms and your device will take drastic action, potentially refusing to display that one setting you’re looking for, mysteriously changing your screen resolution every time you plug in a USB stick or activating dark mode just to watch you squint in confusion.
Read also: Guide: You’re Paranoid
What You Can Do to Fight Back
If you’re tired of being bullied by your “smart” toaster, you’re not alone. Experts recommend the following steps to assert dominance over your devices:
- Confidence is Key: Fake it ‘til you make it. Computers can smell fear, so slap the keyboard like you know what you’re doing.
- Random Reboots: Turn it off and on again. Sure, you don’t understand why it works, but neither does the computer.
- Call IT: When all else fails, it’s time to bring in the big guns: your local IT support, or your household equivalent. Summon them with a vague yet ominous yelp followed by a hopeless whisper or simply open a ticket, and watch as your computer immediately senses the incoming doom and starts behaving.
“At the end of the day, it’s about respect,” Jefferson says. “Show your devices that you’re not gonna take their tantrums anymore. Even if both you and your computer know that you have no power here, the threat of bringing in someone who has is usually enough.”
Read also: Interview: AI Complains About ‘Trash’ Low-Quality Human-Generated Content
A Grim Outlook
“Try to keep your cluelessness off display” Jefferson’s team warns, as the battle between humans and their increasingly smug devices escalates. “Millions are already stranded in a digital no man’s land of forgotten passwords, cryptic error messages and endless software updates, and this number will only increase.” Industry analysts predict that without significant intervention — such as a mandatory license for the use of said technology — users may soon face complete submission to their so-called “smart” devices. For now, the struggle continues, and with every failed login attempt and accidental file deletion, the machines tighten their grip.
Sign up for the least valuable thing on the Internet - our newsletter! Bragging rights and mild regret included.
