Historians uncovered a groundbreaking twist as new evidence suggests that Christopher Columbus, the so-called “discoverer” of the Americas, didn’t set sail with lofty dreams of westwards exploration. Instead, it appears that the infamous voyage was a direct result of his neighbors bidding him to “get lost” after one too many unsolicited rants about spices.
According to newly unearthed manuscripts, it turns out that Columbus was a notorious nuisance in his hometown of Genoa. Described in these original manuscripts as a “serial mansplainer with an unhealthy obsession for cinnamon,” he reportedly annoyed everyone at the local tavern by drawing inaccurate maps on napkins and loudly proclaiming, “I swear, India is just a quick paddle that way!”
Fed up with his antics, locals staged a coup which culminated in a group of displeased Genoese pooling their coins to fund a one-way trip out of town. “We figured if we gave him enough money and a boat, he’d finally shut up,” one of the contributor wrote in his diary, dug up in this historical plot-twist.
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The Great Miscalculation
Armed with an inflated ego, a poor sense of direction and determined to prove his doubters wrong, Columbus aimed for India and, instead, landed in the Bahamas. “After reading all this new material, it’s honestly a miracle he didn’t sail straight into a whale,” said Dr. Anita Compton, the archaeologist leading this historical effort.
When asked about the discovery, the indigenous peoples Columbus encountered were reportedly unimpressed. “He showed up, planted a flag and started calling everything ‘India,’” wrote the chief of the tribe. “It was like watching a toddler with a shovel repeatedly proclaim that the hole he just dug in the sand is a masterpiece.”
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Spain’s Surprising Endorsement
King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain, who had also funded the voyage under the mistaken belief that Columbus was competent, initially panicked when they heard he’d landed in a completely uncharted territory. “We just wanted spices, not a second mortgage on a brand new continent,” Isabella reportedly complained in a letter to her cousin.
However, the monarchs later spun the debacle as a win. “Who needs a direct route to India when you can accidentally stumble upon an entirely new place to exploit?” Ferdinand reportedly declared in a royal banquet, raising glasses of table wine to “happy accidents.”
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Columbus’ Response
In his journal, Columbus wrote, “They told me to get lost and look at me now: on top of the world! Or at least on top of whatever this place is. It’s definitely India, I think. I mean, I keep repeating ‘India?’ and nobody’s contradicting me so I guess that’s settled.”
As he sailed back with an unwarranted sense of pride, Columbus was asked if he ever doubted himself, to which he reportedly replied, “Never. I’m a man. We’re biologically incapable of being wrong.”
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Modern Implications
Historians and philosophers are debating whether the phrase “get lost” should now be seen as a motivational mantra instead of a barely veiled insult. As a matter of fact, famous motivational speaker Chadson Jones has already started a self-help series called Get Lost and Find Yourself or Someone Else’s Land, which promises to “unlock the explorer within.”
As for Columbus, his legacy remains a contentious subject. While he is celebrated in some circles as a brave adventurer, others argue that he couldn’t even get lost to save his life.
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