In a groundbreaking move that has left business analysts and economists stunned, the CEO of tech giant HyperCorp, Chadwick Kendall, has unveiled a revolutionary strategy to boost company productivity: telling employees to “work harder.”
The Annoucement
In an all-hands meeting streamed from Kendall’s penthouse office, the CEO delivered his paradigm-shifting announcement with the same bravado he reserves for investor calls. “Look, at the end of the day, the solution is simple,” Kendall said, adjusting the cufflinks on his suit. “If we want to grow, innovate and remain competitive, we need our employees to just put in more effort. I call it HyperDrive.”
The plan, which Kendall described as “a fusion of modern managerial theory and plain common sense,” involves implementing several cutting-edge initiatives, such as removing the option to decline after-hours Slack messages, expanding the company’s open-door policy to include weekends and placing motivational posters like Hustle Life and Sleep Is for the Weak in every hallway.
Company Reaction
Team leads, whose jobs consist primarily of attending “innovation retreats,” assured employees that Kendall fully understands the concept of hard work; however, employee response has been mixed. “I mean, we already work 60-hour weeks on the regular and eat most of our meals from a vending machine,” said software engineer Jenna Collins, who has been with the company for six years. “I guess we can try working harder? Maybe if I just microdose caffeine throughout the day I can save on sleep time?”
Others have shown concern over the sustainability of Kendall’s revolutionary strategy. “We’ve already had three engineers attempt to fuse themselves with their standing desks just to keep going,” admitted HR manager Tyler Peters. “But hey, that’s the kind of innovative thinking we encourage here at HyperCorp!”
Real Also: Interview: Middle Manager Explains What She Does the Entire Day
Experts Speak Up
Meanwhile, experts in corporate strategy have hailed Kendall’s approach as “visionary” and “bold,” noting that previous attempts to increase productivity with perks like bean bag chairs, nap pods and $4 avocado toast vouchers only saw a 0.5% increase in output. “Sometimes the simplest solutions are the most effective,” commented corporate consultant Amanda Bright, as she adjusted her six-figure contract. “Like, why didn’t anyone think to just tell workers to work harder before? It’s revolutionary!”
As a self-appointed expert, Kendall himself remains confident in his genius. “Listen, we’re not just a company. We’re a family, and sometimes, you have to push your family a little harder to make sure they hit their KPIs.” He added, “This isn’t about money; it’s about passion. It’s about growth!”
At press time, sources report that Kendall was seen boarding his private jet, allegedly to fly to a high-stakes “leadership conference” in Bali, while witnesses claim they overheard him muttering, “Finally, some time away from those slackers.”
