Detroit, MI – In a groundbreaking announcement today, major car manufacturers revealed that they will be removing turn signals, or “blinkers”, from all future models, citing “overwhelming customer disinterest.“
The decision comes after years of relentless research confirming what everyone on the road already knew: turn signals are simply not being used. According to the study, an estimated 92% of drivers consider the blinker an unnecessary feature, while 39% of them also declared using blinkers by mistake when trying to control the wipers.
“It’s become clear that the modern driver has evolved past the need for blinkers” said automotive expert Joe McVeigh. “Who even has time for that extra hand movement anymore? It’s the 21st century! People are too busy texting, eating and disregarding pedestrians.”
This bold new direction has sparked joy among a majority of the public, particularly in cities such as Los Angeles, where turn signals have long been regarded as mythical folklore. “I’ve never even used mine!” commented local driver Richard Fitzsimmons, after abruptly barging into a Whole Foods parking lot. “To be honest, I’m not even sure the thing still works, I wouldn’t know. And it’s much funnier to keep people guessing anyway.”
Experts predict that this move will also cut down on road rage as drivers can now “drive the way they feel” without the judgmental presence of blinking indicators reminding them that lane changes are a group activity. “Let’s face it: no one likes being told what to do” said sociologist Dr. Ian Turnwell. “It’s empowering for drivers to just vibe into the next lane and leave everyone else in a thrilling state of uncertainty.”
In addition to streamlining the driving experience, removing blinkers is expected to save car manufacturers billions in production costs: “We’ll finally be free from wasting time and resources on these completely useless lights” said General Motors spokesperson Jill Moore. “We’ve been considering removing brake lights too. Our observations are that the drivers’ habit of tailgating kinda makes them useless, but more research is needed at this time.”
Despite overwhelming support, a minority of detractors has expressed concern over the change. Safety advocates and the last few responsible drivers have voiced their disappointment: “I don’t know what I will do without them” said Becky Mayfair, a retired driving instructor. “I had the feeling that blinkers were still somewhat important but that’s probably my outdated sense of caution.”
Meanwhile, BMW drivers, already famously exempt from using blinkers, have expressed confusion about the ordeal. “What’s a blinker?” asked Chad Beamer, aggressively revving his engine as we try to collect his opinion. “Is it some kind of retro feature?” the proud BMW owner continued.
The change is set to roll out at the beginning of next year, though many predict it will have no noticeable effect on the current state of driving. When asked for a final comment, Ford’s CEO shrugged and said “Honestly, no one cares. Just drive however you want. The world’s already chaos anyway.”
On a related note, Tesla has announced its newest feature: an AI-powered horn that automatically honks at random intervals, ensuring constant passive-aggressive communication with nearby vehicles. “Why wait for humans to honk when the car can do it for you?” shared a Tesla representative on the platform X (formerly Twitter). “Expect to be beeped at even when you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong. It’s all about keeping drivers alert.” continued the author of the post, triggering debates in the comments.
