In a shocking turn of events that has left scientists, fitness gurus and your local gym bros scratching their heads, one bodybuilder has defied every rule in the book by building massive muscle — without consuming any protein whatsoever.
Nate Flexington, a 28-year-old fitness enthusiast, has recently gone viral after claiming he has achieved his gargantuan physique with a diet entirely devoid of protein. That’s right, zero gram of protein. Not whey, not eggs, not chicken breasts, and certainly no sad-looking protein shakes. Just pure, unadulterated carbs and fats.
“I just woke up one day and thought, ‘Why am I wasting my time eating chicken breasts? They’re dry and boring. Let’s see what happens when I just cut protein out entirely,’” Nate told our reporters between sets of leg curls. “I expected to lose a bit of mass but guess what? I got bigger! Hah!”
In this unprecedented feat of biology, Nate claims his entire diet consists of white bread, potato chips and the occasional box of Pop-Tarts. “I haven’t touched a steak or even looked at a protein bar in months,” Nate said, flexing his gigantic arms that seem capable of pressing my squat. “All these so-called ‘fitness experts’ have been lying to us. Who needs protein? I’m out here eating god damn toast and gaining gains!”
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Nutritionists and scientists are utterly baffled. Dr. Greg Swellivan, a leading expert in sports nutrition, is reportedly in a state of existential crisis. “We’ve spent decades telling people that protein is essential for muscle growth,” he stammered, visibly shaken during an interview. “Now I don’t know what to believe. Is everything a lie? Is the Earth flat? Does cardio actually matter?”
Gym-goers everywhere are equally bewildered. “I used to down five protein shakes a day,” said Derek Johnson, a lifelong gym rat who broke the establishment as well a few weeks earlier. “But now, I’m just thinking… should I switch to doughnuts? I mean, look at this guy! It’s insane!” When asked about his workout routine, Nate keeps it simple: “I hit the gym six days a week, lift heavy and make sure to smash a flour shake right after leg day. That’s my secret.”
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Despite the evidence of Nate’s unconventional success, not everyone is convinced. “This defies the laws of muscle physiology,” argued Eugene Shredman, a personal trainer who has spent years promoting high-protein diets. “I don’t care how often this guy curls, you can’t build muscle without protein… right?”
Still, Nate remains unfazed by the criticism. “Let them say what they want,” he shrugged for 5 sets of 12, before taking a large bite out of a jelly doughnut mid-interview. “While they’re choking down dry chicken breasts, I’ll be over here enjoying my gains… and my pastries. That’s right, fellas!”
Now the million dollar question: Is Nate a genetic anomaly? Has he unlocked some kind of mystical form of bodybuilding that doesn’t rely on protein? Or is he just the world’s biggest troll and yet another fake natty? The fitness world may never know.
As for Nate, he doesn’t care. He’s just happy to prove that sometimes, you really can have your cake and eat it too — especially when you’re benching four plates right after.
