Lots of CCTV cameras on a brick wall above a black door pointing at two women
Posted inGuide Lifestyle

Guide: You’re Paranoid

Alright, let me introduce you to paranoia: it's not just a fleeting thought; it’s a full-time job. You don’t dabble in paranoia. You commit. Welcome to the ultimate survival guide on how to live your best paranoid life. You think you’re suspicious now? Think again. By the end of this, you’ll be side-eyeing your toaster and taking notes on everyone who says “good morning.” Let’s dive in, you mug. Step 1: Technology Is Evil Think…
businessman sitting and using a computer with a stern look
Posted inBusiness Interview

Interview: Man Explains How to Look Busy at Work Without Doing Anything

We had the rare pleasure of sitting down with Trevor Higgins, a man who’s somehow made a thriving career out of looking like he’s holding the office together while doing absolutely nothing. Sitting in his faux-cluttered cubicle, Trevor smirks like someone who’s got the game all figured out. And maybe he has. Let's find out how he explains the intricate art of workplace slacking. "Look, it’s dead simple,” he begins, leaning back in his chair…
White man drinking coffee and sitting on an armchair
Posted inInterview Politics

Interview: White Man Doesn’t Believe in Systemic Racism

"Systemic racism? Come on, buddy. That's just a buzzword," begins 47 year-old Robert Brooks, who swears he's cracked the code on what he calls "this modern hysteria." Robert is, in appearance, an average guy: khaki trousers, a fleece jacket and an arsenal of "facts" derived from his Facebook feed. Today, Robert wants the world to know that, despite mountains of evidence, systemic racism simply doesn’t exist. "It's just the latest trend, isn't it?" he scoffs,…
Ten-Pins in the Bowling Pin Deck
Posted inGuide Lifestyle

Guide: You’re Being Very Undude

Alright, my nice marmot, if you’ve somehow stumbled upon this guide, chances are you’ve hit a fork in the road to chill. Your vibes? They’re off. Your aura? It's down there somewhere, just take another look. Now it’s time for a reality check, dude: You’re being very undude. And that’s just not, like, my opinion, man - it’s objectively and completely true. But fret not, for this guide is here to help you get back…
Buddha Statue Near Trees
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle Spirituality

Breaking: Man Meditates Once for 10 Minutes, Claims He’s the Buddha

Spiritual leaders are calling this "an unprecedented spiritual awakening." Dylan Breeze, 29, has proclaimed himself the reincarnation of Buddha following a rigorous 10-minute meditation session that took place on the yoga mat his ex-girlfriend forgot in his apartment. The groundbreaking enlightenment took place at precisely 9:17 a.m. Monday morning, according to Breeze’s Instagram feed. Breeze, who until recently held the distinguished position of “part-time dog walker and freelance lifestyle coach,” reportedly stumbled across the idea…
Man Adjusting Barbell Weights in Gym
Posted inBreaking News Sports & Fitness

Breaking: Local Gym in Disarray After Lifter Squats in the Curl Rack

Planet Gains, 8:32 AM — A bizarre and unprecedented act of gym anarchy shook Planet Gains Fitness Center this morning after traveling bro Trevor Winslow committed the unthinkable: performing squats in the rack - usually reserved for curls. The Planet Gains community has been thrown into an existential crisis, with several curl enthusiasts reporting symptoms of dizziness, arm fatigue and “severe respect issues.” According to eyewitness accounts, Winslow, an amateur powerlifter allegedly on a business…
Person in Black Pants and Black Sneakers on a treadmill
Posted inBreaking News Health & Wellness Sports & Fitness

Breaking: Bodybuilder Loses Gains After Walking Too Fast

A tragedy took the fitness world by surprise when local bodybuilder and Instagram sensation Bryce Hutchins reported a mysterious total loss of gains after attempting what he called "a brisk walk." The gym community is in shock as the 240-pound mass of muscle dwindled down to what one horrified witness called "a bloke that probably drinks kale smoothies." The Dangers of Speeding Known for his unparalleled bench arch and for pressing your squat, Bryce felt…
Brown Wooden Mallet Near Brown Chicken Egg
Posted inGuide Lifestyle

Guide: Willpower and Your Lack Thereof

Willpower is this alleged mythical force that separates us mortals from our dreams of six-pack abs and wealth beyond measure. You’ve heard of it, you vaguely believe it exists, but no one’s quite sure what it is or how it works. So, in the spirit of demystifying this elusive quality, here’s a comprehensive guide to understanding willpower, complete with tips that are guaranteed to make you feel like you’re on the verge of life-changing action...…
Woman Holding White Book
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle Relationships

Breaking News: Men Shocked to Discover Women Have Opinions Without Their Permission

Nobody could believe it and yet it is true - men across the nation have been left in shock as they get acquainted with the radical concept that women, indeed, have thoughts, opinions and voices that don't require male endorsement. This revelation, apparently as unexpected as the switch to daylight saving time, has shaken the foundations of conversation dynamics everywhere, leaving many men bewildered and asking themselves, "But… when did this start?" A Harrowing Reality…
Black and White Portrait of Man with Catrina Makeup
Posted inInterview Lifestyle

Interview: Man Refuses to Wear Costume, Claims He’s ‘Already Dead Inside’

Hell, Michigan - This Halloween season, locals are perplexed by one among them who stands alone in his steadfast rejection of costumes, citing an unexpectedly bleak reason. Meet Stuart Grimbley, 34-year-old, who has become a viral sensation after declaring he’d skip the Halloween costume madness this year due to a simple fact: he's “already dead inside.” 'It's All Pointless' We caught up with Stuart, who agreed to an interview as long as it didn’t interfere…