Breaking: Civil Unrest as Brits Realize That the Sky Is Blue After Rain Unexpectedly Stops
Posted inBreaking News

Breaking: Civil Unrest as Brits Realize That the Sky Is Blue After Rain Unexpectedly Stops

The United Kingdom fell in a global state of civil unrest yesterday as citizens were forced to confront a shocking revelation: the sky, as it turns out, is blue. This discovery came after an unseasonable break in the rain allowed a rare glimpse of what experts are tentatively calling "clear weather." The event has been described as "rude" by a devastating majority of the population. Reports of confusion started coming in early in the morning.…
Man Smiling While Holding Phone in Hands
Posted inBreaking News Health & Wellness Tech & Science

Breaking: Man Cures Cancer by Posting ‘Thoughts and Prayers’ on Social Media

Experts have been left completely baffled as local hero Greg Jenkins reportedly achieved what was thought to be impossible: he eradicated cancer by sharing a heartfelt Facebook post offering his “thoughts and prayers.” The post is being credited with halting tumor growth worldwide and garnered a stunning 34 likes, 12 love reacts and one obligatory “praying hands” emoji, leaving the entire scientific community totally confused. A Miracle Status Update “I just felt like, you know,…
Overworked Employee lying in front of Laptop
Posted inGuide Lifestyle

Guide: You’re Caring Too Much

For those of you who don't know, caring is that delightful social affliction where you convince yourself that other people’s lives, feelings and opinions matter more than they actually do. Are you suffering from the unbearable weight of giving a damn? Do you find yourself lying awake at night, wondering if your parents misinterpreted the tone of your last message or if the planet will melt into a puddle of sorrow because you weren't enthusiastic…
Interview: Satan Is Proud of Mankind
Posted inInterview Politics

Interview: Satan Is Proud of Mankind

Hell, January 2025 — In an exclusive interview conducted in the fiery depths of the Underworld, Lucifer - who, strangely, insisted to be called "Luce" - sat down with our reporter for a candid chat about his newfound leisure. Sporting a Hawaiian shirt and sipping from a coconut with a tiny umbrella in it, Satan seemed surprisingly relaxed. "It’s been great," he said with a smug grin, adjusting his aviators. "Honestly, humans have outdone themselves.…
Breaking: Columbus Discovered the Americas After Being Told to ‘Get Lost’
Posted inBreaking News History

Breaking: Columbus Discovered the Americas After Being Told to ‘Get Lost’

Historians uncovered a groundbreaking twist as new evidence suggests that Christopher Columbus, the so-called "discoverer" of the Americas, didn’t set sail with lofty dreams of westwards exploration. Instead, it appears that the infamous voyage was a direct result of his neighbors bidding him to “get lost” after one too many unsolicited rants about spices. According to newly unearthed manuscripts, it turns out that Columbus was a notorious nuisance in his hometown of Genoa. Described in…
Man crouching working with a metal tool
Posted inDIY & Crafts Interview

Interview: Man Asserts Dominance by Refusing to Read the Instructions

Local man Ridge Groves has been proudly declaring his superiority over his peers by refusing to even acknowledge instruction manuals in a stunning display of modern masculinity. Speaking from his garage, Ridge detailed his groundbreaking approach to life, one that boldly discards the written wisdom of engineers, designers and people who actually know what they're talking about. The Art of Ignoring Instructions “It’s about instinct,” Ridge said, confidently pointing at an unopened flat-pack furniture kit…
Fireworks
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle

World Prepares to Ignore Same Resolutions for Another Year

As the clock and calendar are getting dangerously close to January 1st, midnight, billions of people worldwide are drafting eerily familiar lists of New Year’s resolutions, a.k.a. the exact same ones they’ve optimistically written, ignored and forgotten for more than a decade, as is tradition. From unrealistic fitness goals to improbable career changes, humanity is gearing up for its annual festival of ambition, denial and inevitable failure. The Universal Resolution Recycle: A Tradition of Futility…
Man in Santa Claus Costume
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle

Breaking: Santa Confirms You’re on the Naughty List

As Christmas approaches, Santa Claus himself has confirmed that you, yes YOU, are officially on the Naughty List this year. The news broke earlier today when the big guy in red and white held a hastily arranged press conference at the North Pole, flanked by a squadron of grumpy elves and a visibly disappointed and judgemental Mrs. Claus. “After extensive surveillance and a thorough review of your behavior during the year 2024,” Santa announced while…
Woman lying on her arm on a table
Posted inGuide Lifestyle

Guide: Live Like a Perfect Human Being

Well, well, well, look who’s still trying to figure out how to live their life. Pathetic, really. But fear naught, because society’s got your back with tons of expert advice, tips and golden nuggets to transform your tragically flawed, miserable little existence into a god-tier lifestyle. That is, if only you'd follow the countless rules required to achieve it. I mean, who needs a personality and free time when you can have a spreadsheet for…
Man smiling with a thumbs up
Posted inBreaking News Lifestyle Relationships

Breaking: You’re An Asshole

Today marks the day of a not-so-groundbreaking revelation; what everyone has been suspecting for ages is now official: you're a top of the line, industrial-grade, vacuum-sealed, organic, USDA-approved asshole. Stop the Presses! Far from a plot-twist, this news is as shocking as discovering that water makes things wet or that politicians lie: you’ve officially been recognized for what you truly are. Researchers "discovered" what anyone with eyes, ears or half a brain-cell has known all…