Coffee is love, coffee is life. That pretty much sums it up but let’s dig deeper. Coffee is that caffeinated elixir that turns your blobby half-dead body into something resembling a functioning human being. Coffee is that sacred beverage that wakes up your three remaining brain cells just enough for you to pretend you know what you’re doing. It’s the miracle bean juice that makes mornings bearable, meetings survivable and people’s personality almost tolerable. Mankind may have discovered fire first, but coffee is the real reason civilization didn’t collapse by 8 AM.
Powering Through the Dullness
Because yes, coffee doesn’t just enhance life — it makes it possible. Waking up? Not happening without coffee. Deadlines? You’ll miss them awake and with a little bit of dignity thanks to coffee. Pretending to care about your coworker’s “wild weekend” story? Coffee makes sure you don’t fall into a hypnotic sleep from sheer boredom. Need to power through a tedious task? Coffee turns your lethargy into hyper-focused anxiety. Forget energy drinks — those are for children of summer who can’t take life’s bitterness. Coffee is the sophisticated way to shake uncontrollably while questioning your pathetic existence.
Sleep Is Not for the Weak
One of coffee’s finest qualities is its blatant disrespect for your need to rest. Exhausted? Not anymore! Coffee is here to drag your sorry-ass across the finish line of life. Had four hours of sleep because you binge-watched a show you don’t even like? Coffee doesn’t judge. It just whispers, “Get up, you spineless twit,” and you obey, because who are you without it? A disappointing puddle of regret and poor life choices, that’s who.
And forget about moderation. One cup is for cowards. Two cups? You’re barely getting started; three cups is the bare minimum. Four cups and we’re talking, Six is about right and all bets are off beyond seven. Flirt with fifteen cups and you might just see God. But now at least you’re awake enough to carry yourself without crumbling under the weight of your responsibilities.
Read also: Interview: God is Disappointed (and Kind of Over It)
The Bitter Truth
Coffee is not only your friend; it’s your enabler and let’s be honest, it’s also your savior. That bitterness you taste? It’s not just the roasted beans, it’s the crushed hope that you’ll ever have a balanced sleep schedule but the relief of knowing that you can go without. Coffee is both the good cop and the bad cop, and don’t you dare switching to decaf! It’s a lie, and herbal tea is for people who still believe in miracles. You’re here for the real deal, which is that molten black tar that kickstarts your underperforming brain like jumper cables on the dead car battery that is your life.
You’ll sip your overpriced cappuccino, pretend it’s a treat and ignore the fact that your heart is auditioning for a drum solo. But that’s the price you pay for productivity, right?
Read also: Guide: How to Procrastinate With Style
All Hail the Bean
Weekdays? Fueled by coffee. Weekends? Also fueled by coffee because you made plans with your mates and, let’s face it, you’d be too exhausted from your week without a triple red eye. You think you’re “catching up” on rest, but no; you’re just downing coffee in a slightly different setting, before surrounding yourself with people pretending they have their lives together, just like you.
And then there’s the crash. That glorious moment when the caffeine wears off, your dying motivation collapses and you realize you’re still a mess. You’ll swear you’ll cut back and implement a “healthy bedtime routine”, whatever that means. “Tomorrow, I’ll have just one cup,” you lie to yourself, already picturing your fifth. You’ll shake, you’ll sweat and you’ll power through it because quitting caffeine is for quitters — and you are many things, my disappointing little bean, but you’re not a quitter!
So, next time your brain whispers, “Maybe lay off the coffee?” just tell it to shut up and get another round. You’ve got things to do, regrets to ignore and a soul to wake up. Cheers, you jittery, caffeinated mess!
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